Dear my first and last lust,
Everything happens for a reason has never been more alive in my life until now. I do not write this to bash nor shame you, but to tie up the remaining loose ends that sometimes trip me down into a dark hole, or known as laying in my bed all day without eating. Today I write to feel alive again and to set myself free.
Why is it that a fresh start is never easy, yet good for the soul? I often ponder this question. The actions leading up to the clean slate most of us search for, but cannot bring ourselves to do are always difficult, and sometimes tear-jerking. The person you thought you loved, the one you thought you would marry, the one you thought you would grow old with; turned out not to be that same person after all. Looking back, I sometimes find myself asking, why I did not see it sooner? Some could argue because I did not want to see it then, and they may be correct. “Head not heart” my dad always said, but I thought I would flip it around and go the “heart not head” route. Only then did I discover that even our own heart can play tricks on us if we hand the wrong person the strings to do so.
Have you ever jumped off a cliff without even looking down first? Well, that is what it felt like to fall for you, except the landing was nothing like I had ever imagined. “Falling always feels like flying until you hit the ground,” as Chris Stapleton said it best. You see, when I jumped I assumed you would be there to catch me and we would run on our merry way, but was I in for a surprise. Silently, and in my mind, I contemplated what it would be like if you were not at the bottom. I decided to just look at all the bliss illusions on the way down instead; something my mom had taught me. I pretended that if I wished on that star like in the Disney movies hard enough the fall would be just as landing on a summer-cloud. My dad had always warned me about being a day-dreamer, but I have never been great at following the rules either.
The beginning of the fall was like something I had never been a part of before and oddly everything I had been day-dreaming about. The moment when your mind floods with beautiful colors and once and a lifetime situations like some kind of acid-trip. Well, as for the middle it was a bit bumpy; as if I had drifted straight from the Smoky to the Rocky Mountains. I figured it would smooth its way out so I kept enjoying the experience. Towards the end when it still had not smoothed itself out, I got scared so I decided shutting my eyes would help time pass. Every once in a while I snuck an eyelid open. While peeking out to what I hoped to be all that I had seen before the rockiness, only this time it was different. This time it was dark, lonesome, and spine-chilling. I could not comprehend everything I saw. Although I only got a glimpse of the bottom, it was petrifying enough for anyone me. All that time what was waiting for me at the bottom was not you, but death.
I know you may be wondering how death got thrown into the mix of this colorful jump, sadly it was never truly colorful in the first place. Everyone knows jumping off a cliff ends in tragedy, whether you choose to accept the fact or not. I, on the other hand, chose not to. I had been so caught up in the beautiful illusions, when it was time to face reality again, I chose numbness. Numbness tasted like cherry cough syrup, and drop of honey combined. This kind of numbness was equivalent to leaving the dentist and not being able to feel your lip, except this was not only my lip, but my whole body. Everything comes with a price the label read, but I tasted anyways. “How big could the price really be, if I only take a sip?” I considered. The numbness of course did not last forever so I kept drinking, until the bottle was empty. “How could I be so careless?” reflected in the back of my mind. I had drunk the whole bottle, without even keeping track of how much I had been drinking at a time.
When the piper came to collect, he wanted something that was no longer mine to give; my heart and soul.
Ever since I was a small child my mom had always reminded me “I love you with all my best heart and soul” so initially, she was holding the key. Well by now you can probably guess who I was trying to give my key to. Those “phone a friend” moments as you see on t.v. were what came to mind, only no one picked up. Call after call all I could get was voicemail. Nervous, shaking, scared and not knowing what to do I decided I had to pay my price anyways. At that exact moment, a voice in my head spoke up in a voice as loud as thunder “YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL, I AM” fireworks went off. In that moment, I knew; from childhood verses I had heard. “Jesus is that you?” I questioned anyhow.
Jesus had showed up just in the nick-of-time to pay my price for me. If only I had just opened my eyes completely rather than living in fear I would have seen the raft waiting for me. When people say, “Jesus’s timing is perfect” they mean perfect. My mind had been so warped, I was ready to give my life for these illusions. I am only human and Jesus knew this so he paid my debt, took me back, and threw me in the raft. If only I had been my fearless child-like self again, I would have seen the raft earlier. Not knowing, my mom was not the only one holding a key, because hers was a copy. The person who had the master-key was Jesus himself, and only he had the ability and power to unlock the door. After settling in the raft, I was no longer falling into a bottomless pit, but floating down a waterfall. Everything was now truly yellow; sunshine, bees, and flowers. The color of happiness finally surrounded me for the first time in my life. If you had never come into my life, I could not imagine where I may or may not be. I write this to thank you, my stepping stone, to an amazing Christ-filled life that you blind-sided me to.
Glory to God